Tuesday, October 31, 2006
i'm really not sure of who i am these few days... mayb weeks... its just not me... i'm doing things i dont normally do and i'm thinking of things i wont normally think of...its scaring me... i'm more agressive and hostile... more anti-social and insensitive... i'm moody and i'm really not even smiling truthfully... i'm just drifting, hiding, walking for the sake of walking the roads that i have chosen... or worse forced to... im not thinking welll, sleeping well, studying well... the motivation is gone, the concentration is missing, the confidence is depleting, replaced by a feeling of being dragging all around... i'm sick, i'm tired... not of studying...
but of what i'm doing,
how i'm reacting to others,
how i'm treating others,
how i'm treated,
how i'm feeling about others,
how i feel about their thoughts about me,
how they react to what i do,
how i react to what they do,
how everything and everyone seems wrong,
how I seem wrong,
all the little thing thats popping up in my head...
all the big things that has aways been in my head
i'm lost... lost in on the journey to wake the inner me that has since lost conscious...
its not about the others, its about me, and only me... i'm weird...
todays i wasnt myself again... i'm losing it...
i dunno what i'm thinking, i'm unsure of everything...
am i just plain moody... or am i thinking of alot of stuffs...
i dunno
i heard some stuff
i wrote some stuff i never should have wrote
never should have even thought of
i hate what i wrote... but deep down i know i want that thing to happen...
but it never will, i wont allow either...
went to watch An Inconvenient Truth in the evening...
how was i able to watch the movie??
when all the facts were verbal and i've got a bad memory
and when before less than a quater of the show was shown i was already in tears
trying very hard not to break down
and all i remembered was-
my six year old son was in coma and a machine was controlling its breathing......
stayed in the hospital with him for a month......
he finally took a breath.......
he was a strong boy...
the rest was the movie was facts. facts that were going into my head too slowly and too minute to be even recalled... anyway i wasnt listening... was trying to hold my tears... i wasnt suppose to cry in a documentary, i wasnt suppose to cry anyway...
there are too many stuff in my head... but i'll never stop thinking about him...
there is nothing that will make me stop...
i dunno why but its like i'm trying to love something so hard only when i've lost it and it hurts so hard... yes there are tons of regrets... tons of 'why didnt i' s... no one can convince me to stop thinking... no one... so dont try... i'm sorry
i'm not angry with anyone... i'm frustrated with myself...
i'm sick of thinking of so many stuff that makes me more depressed
i'm tired of talking, tired of sharing, tired of saying...
i want to listen, i dont wanna talk anymore...
maybe i'm also tired of trying to listen, trying to know stuff
maybe i'm tired of not knowing...
mayb i'm just tired, maybe i just wanna keep quiet...
stop asking... and just be quiet...
i know the real me would never want to be in the state being quiet,
but anyway i'm not me now...
i'm tired...
hope the real me will wake up anytime after 17th nov
hope...
if not... then he never will i guess...
bye then good luck people
-rain keeps poring-
11:41 pm